i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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