Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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