The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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