i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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