i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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