dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
