We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm getting married
To pizza
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
