At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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