My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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