So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
