there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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