I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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