I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
