no, he came in my armpit
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
