you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
