well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
