I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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