i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
