Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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