i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
