In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Don't make out with my wife yet
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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