You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
