all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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