New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
