just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
