Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
