Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
