Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My breasts were aching with rage.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
