and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
