I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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