I cannot find my penis.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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