Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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