My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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