I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
