Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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