nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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