My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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