I wish my penis had an off switch
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
well I can't set my house on fire every night
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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