He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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