I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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