Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
