How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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