Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
