WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
