We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
