Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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