I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
