Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
