I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
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If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday