Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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