textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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