I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
