That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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