Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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