I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
